Today's prompts ...
Here at Dodge Writes we prompt you with USE THESE WORDS... The rules this time are you must use all 10 of the words given with any tense of the word .The words are... CREPT, COZY, DOWN, NEST, BUNKER, BRIEF, MARVEL, OVERCAST, BLIZZARD, PLAYED
Monday's Child #47 @ http://childrensverse.blogspot.com/ gives us this wonderful picture prompt...
Illustration by: Maj Lindman 1933
Monday Memories - #18 @ http://memories-on-mondays.blogspot.com/ Josie asks 'All the recent news about flooding and tornadoes has me wondering what kind of weather-related experiences you've had.'
One Stop Form – Octain week 2 – Guest hosted by Luke Prater, @ http://onestoppoetry.com/ please go to OSP to read the rules for this form as Luke explains it WAY better than I can ! Thank you Luke, Hope we do it justice !
LITTLE WITCH
Our sister is a little witch
she makes us fly on horses backs
up in the air we leave no tracks
but tell on her, we are no snitch
it's fun to fly up in the sky
under the moon we find our niche
she pulls the stars from little sacks
Our sister is a little witch
Our sister is a little witch
she weaves the night, the blues, the blacks
she weaves the night, the blues, the blacks
she tosses stars like they are jacks
she does it all with a small twitch
she winks her eye, and gives a sigh
and she can sew without a stitch
she plays with us like we're knick-knacks
Our sister is a little witch
AND...
Our bunker's window was ajar
the overcast sky crept from a far
cozy in the nest that we made
a blizzard had come while we played
we did marvel in disbelief
how much came down, though it was brief
WHEW, Four in two...We are having a hard time getting Mr Linky tonight... sorry !
YOUR TURN
ENJOY
JL&B
JL it is always so fun to read your poems and how you pull all the prompts together in your writing such wonderful talent.
ReplyDeleteBlessings
Good job with the prompts! The results always make me, as a reader, feel good.
ReplyDeleteHow do you do it?! Your amazing my friend...
ReplyDeleteI love your High Octain - and how you adapted it to the needs of your other prompts. i works just as well as a single unit, in my opinion, and I like the fact you changed the refrain in the second half. It is a complete delight.
ReplyDeletevery nice high octain with an effortless flow. i also liked the topic a lot and hope you have a child to read it to..
ReplyDeleteyour use of the form is flawless as far as i can see - though i really would break it into stanzas - 3 - 3 - 2 and then again 3 - 3 - 2. not only because the form would require it but i think it would also give the whole poem more room to breathe...just a thought..
Okay I have it up. I wrote it late last evening after a long drive home with little sleep. I think it is kinda of funky but... it is what came out of me.
ReplyDeleteBlessings
I like your high Octain, it's light and bouncy and a god read that carried me along quite effortlessly. Favourite line is this one -
ReplyDeleteOur sister sews without a stitch
However as Claudia says you need to stanza-break this, not just to make it a true High Octain but it would aid readability, give the lines some breathing-space, give the piece more body overall and also make it feel more crafted on the page. Stanza-breaks are underrated!
I have two options for stanza-breaking the High Octain. One I've only recently decided on as an alternative to the original. Here are both, original first -
Our sister is a little witch
she makes us fly on horses backs
up in the air we leave no tracks
but tell on her, we are no snitch
it's fun to fly up in the sky
under the moon we find our niche
she pulls the stars from little sacks
Our sister is a little witch
Our sister sews without a stitch
she weaves the night, the blues, the blacks
she tosses stars like they are jacks
she does it all with a small twitch
she winks her eye, and gives a sigh
or on a whim she'll just switch
she plays with us like we're knick-knacks
Our sister is a little witch
Second - just two stanzas:
Our sister is a little witch
she makes us fly on horses backs
up in the air we leave no tracks
but tell on her, we are no snitch
it's fun to fly up in the sky
under the moon we find our niche
she pulls the stars from little sacks
Our sister is a little witch
Our sister sews without a stitch
she weaves the night, the blues, the blacks
she tosses stars like they are jacks
she does it all with a small twitch
she winks her eye, and gives a sigh
or on a whim she'll just switch
she plays with us like we're knick-knacks
Our sister is a little witch
The other issue is that your third refrain (my favourite line, as it happens), though I see it needs some variation to avoid the repetition so close to line 8, doesn't as it stands qualify as a refrain here because you have changed it too much. Most importantly, the end-word is different. It's crucial that this remains the same. Variation is fine and can be desirable in many cases but they all still need to feel like they are basically the same refrain. The element of repetition needs to be strong enough - as a general rule I'd say at least four of the eight syllables should be the same, crucially the end one. I see the dilemma - you have a great line there and 'stitch' is integral to that - but in my experience there is always a way of enhancing lines in form-writing if you work at it , juggle syntax, rework phrasing etc (using tools such as thesaurus and rhyming dictionaries also).
Fine High Octain though, for the most part you nailed it and it'sno mean feat, the double. Well done
love the light and fun feel of your high octain. it flowed beautifully.
ReplyDeleteI did your ten word prompt JL, but still no Mr Linky... Thanks for the challenge Hun x
ReplyDelete